I began to realize the nature of those subtle feelings through my relationships. It always seemed to me that simple and so-called "natural" way of relating with the lover didn't give me the intensity I strived for. Unattainable and prohibited made me just alive. Pain and suffering seemed to put everything in order. In fact it was difficult to find the right partner to understand what I really wanted and finding the one who was initially a "master type" was rather an intuitive choice. Cold and hard-hearted, who will resist and rule was giving me a comfort I needed. It was like a great revelation to me and I couldn't help but deny those thoughts, until I learned to accept them as they are. Though, I generally consider myself submissive, switching parts is also rather appealing but not to such a degree as the desire to obey.
Those were very mixed feelings of pain and urge to submit and sense it like a real pleasure. And it sensed like natural to have both of the emotions poles entwined.
When you realize and accept those feelings it is much better for me as it gives some certainty and your relationships become more set within the limits of mutual consent. It's very important to me as abuse or violation is surely not an aim. When you know it's actually a game and in the end the parts will leave the scene and everyone will know that both will be safe.
