BDSM philosophy

Very often people who are not familiar with BDSM lifestyle have a vague idea of what it means being partly impressed by the images they've seen in mass media or generally scared about entering the world of unknown.

However, for many BDSM lovers this world is the only place they feel at home.

BDSM and sex

For many individuals involved in BDSM lifestyle, BDSM is not about sex, having a broader meaning - a way of life and feeling of gratification. Many people set themselves limits where they decide not go further than a sexual role-playing. One mistress say:

"I realized my urge for dominance as natural. I tried a lot things in sex with my partner, at some point of my life I knew everything about sex. Only after I came up with my natural instinct for dominance I found an endless source of excitement and pleasure. Sex is not the first place for me- what I really enjoy is a mind play."

How to find a partner

Nowadays most people get acquainted through Internet in chat rooms, as it gives its participants the possibility to meet each other anonymously and find a lot of information about your partner. However, it's also the easiest way for those who have a faintest idea about D/S principles to meet you and mislead about the true nature of BDSM.

Those who decide to meet outside virtual reality may need to arrange considerable safety. First time it is better to meet in a public place and be careful and have as much information about potential partner as possible.

There are also a lot of BDSM clubs that can be found through the web or ads . Participants arrange meetings in a public place to meet each other and decide on future of their involvement in BDSM lifestyle.

BDSM and rituals

As within any community, those who have a D/S way of life, develop their own rituals and principles that are easy to understand for those involved in it. Partners agree on SSC principles, negotiate before scene or decide on collaring to give each party a clear notion of what they can expect and where to draw a line between acceptable and forbidden. Not everyone who practices BDSM actually follows certain rituals, but they certainly help people understand the essence of BDSM lifestyle and help people with common interests meet.

D/S relationships

It's up to you to decide how involved you are going to be in the lifestyle. Many people will practice BDSM as a separate part of their lives, when they can be themselves or take a rest. Others are more committed and feel they belong to their dominant. No one actually forces a person to have 24/7 relationships - it's a well-thought decision that is made by both partners after they got to know each other quite well.

For many people pain is seen as a negative thing or something that cannot be completely avoided but one that should be learned to cope with. We do not usually seek for pain and it may sound unusual to understand how a person can derive pleasure from pain. However, pain is one of the most desirable thing for S/M lovers.

So what is the purpose and why pain makes a day for those who are involved in S/M? Bottom is the one who enjoys to be tortured, the feeling of pain and suffering is sweet, and top is the one who urges to inflict pain (not without bottom's consent).

First timers need to learn what are the limits they are ready to accept for S/M sessions. Very often a bottom wants a particular pain for example from the blood play. It doesn't mean he will endure or accept pain from burns, but as he learns different types of BDSM plays he experiences various sensations where pain becomes the top motivation.

Enjoying pain is about looking at it from different perspective. Pain is natural and you can not only endure it but also see it as an erotic stimulant. A bottom who is getting the pain often would say that it gives incredible intensity to all his sensations and relief that follows the torture session cannot feel better.

Pain control

In order to sustain pain and enjoy it longer during BDSM session, bottom needs to learn pain control methods.

One of the most easiest ways to get the pain right is to breath deeply during a session. This increases your endurance and do not give the unnecessary restrain saving your energy for longer time.

You may also use your imagination while receiving pain. You will understand that it is all in your mind and you can imagine yourself a slave who gets his usual punishment. The setting often plays a great part to make the scene look more attractive and realistic.

Distraction from the pain can also be necessary when hard play can be difficult to sustain. You can either look at the setting or focus on something either visually or emotionally. Sometimes concentrating on another sensation works well too. For example, hot and cold play temperatures can ease pain for some time and you may ask the top to apply this technique when the pain is unbearable.

The main thing for the bottom in order to enjoy pain is to let it flow inside and accept what you really wanted resisting as long as possible.

Many people from and outside BDSM community question the necessity of sexual intercourse during the session. Indeed, where is a place of sex in BDSM and is it essential for such sort of relationships?

First of all, if we talk about BDSM sessions, sexual arousal is almost always present in any BDSM play. A sub derives pleasure from being tortured while dom feels gratification from being the one in power. However, most of the BDSM players will say that sex is not the purpose but rather a variation to one of the numerous plays.

Of course, there are such things as orgasm denial, when the main focus is made at tease and denial, and not at the sexual release if it happens. Sexual arousal occurs in the course of the session and this intensity is often much more powerful than sexual act. A sub who urges to be mentally humiliated is turned on by the fact that he is verbally abused and that happens without actual touch. Basically, the core of BDSM relationships is not sex itself but a sort of pleasure that is obtained through the interaction of both sub and dom.

Very often it is also a case when a sub wants a dom to use him during sexual act. A dom can be very directive and aggressive in this situation, often making sex a forced act (when it actually what sub wants most of all).Anal sex, orders, and use of sex toys on a sub are elements that make up a scene and are pleasant while they give their participants what they want, be it a pain, a feeling of submission or domination.

A dom may also choose to end the play with sexual intercourse. It may mean the natural outcome or some reward for the sub. If you ask most of the BDSMers about the importance of sexual intercourse in their relationships they are more likely to say that sex itself is not so important as the intensity that such relationships brings. Those who live in this lifestyle are pretty much satisfied without sexual release. Sexual arousal though is experienced as more intense and powerful.

A dom can choose whether to involve the element of sexual act or not. He may torture the sub by denying orgasm or by making him watch as dom satisfies himself.

Deciding on collaring is a serious decision one should think over and negotiate with his partner about taking the responsibility. Collar is an outward image that has its deep meaning- a commitment with responsibilities, total trust and respect. A dom who collars sub makes him not simply his slave but also takes him under control. In its turn a sub entrusts himself completely to a dom becoming obedient to follow every order of his master.

You may need to proceed from your collar of consideration status to a slave collar – a highest indication of your commitment to D/S lifestyle and your only owner. Once resolute about your relationship status and given master‛s permission, partners may arrange a collaring ceremony.

Collar rules

1. Collar is given and taken off by Master. He has a right to choose how to express his ownership in a unique way while choosing a style of the collar sub will be wearing during the ceremony and in his presence.
2. Wearing collar in public should be allowed by Master. But wearing collar when master is around is an obligation-a sub shows his love, trust and obedience. Even when your Master is not near, collar that is worn by sub reminds him of his commitment and he can occasionally touch it as a sign of his attachment.
3. Once collared sub has only one Master. Sub cannot call other doms master as he is owned by his master. Others may approach sub with the permission of his master.

Collaring ceremony

The event of proceeding to the status of long-term BDSM relationship is celebrated during collaring ceremony. Participants may choose their own way to make this ceremony special and decide whether they want other people watch and take part in collaring or agree on a more private event.

The ceremony often resembles wedding ceremony with the same or even greater seriousness. Submissive will be led to his Master by a third person- usually a protector.

As a rule, partners have certain attributes, such as crop, leash and collar as the most expressive sign of shared commitment. Both will sign in a contract to record the event and state the responsibilities in the presence of witnesses and friends.

The ceremony may have many variations with lots of rituals involved-it‛s the matter of individual preferences, but one should remember that collaring is arranged as a big event to indicate its meaning. Ultimately, both partners should be undoubted about their bond.

Gorean slave women are called "kajira" or "sa'fora" (daughter of the chain). These are mainly women, who according to Gorean philosophy, are considered submissive by nature and their mission is to please the master. Men are otherwise dominant and have absolute power over a woman.

Brand and collar

As a part of whole philosophy, Gorean slave woman will undergo certain ritual, which means she should be branded and collared. A brand is a sign that is burned to her flesh and by this act she will realize her slavery. One of the most common brand marks is "kef" letter that is usually placed on the outer left thigh. This is not merely a physical act to mark the ownership of the master but the ritual that has deep psychological meaning. The collar is put to kajira to indicate her master.

Sexual service

Gorean slave is always available to servitude the master for sexual purpose, but the concept doesn't imply forced sexual act or sadism. Kajira comes in touch with her femininity by the means of slavery. However, that doesn't mean sexual inhibition, as her natural need for submissive urges her to find gratification from being used.

Kajira etiquette

Gorean slave woman won't call herself in the first person and her name will be written with the lowercase letters. She will always ask for permission and beg forgiveness in case she makes a mistake. There is no room for any arguments from Gorean slave side.

Though Kajira is expected to serve for sexual use, the Master will usually demand other skills, like keeping the household, being able to communicate intelligently, play musical instrument, dance, sing, dress in a manner so that to appeal to master's tastes.

Kajira is supposed to wear specific outfit to give her Master's aesthetic pleasure. One can identify Kajira by such things as piercing of the ear, or the chains worn in certain arrangement, slave bells, slave rag or bina beads(wooden or glass jewelry). All these accessories and dress are not owned by Kajira and can be taken away. Very often she will wear nothing at all so that she is always available to her master. But if master wants to see his slave looking more interesting he can order her to dress in certain way.

Kajira has absolutely no rights: she can be sold, her name can be changed, she can be starved or punished and her servitude is the only meaning of her life. If any inappropriate emotions arise, they should be subdued to perfect the slavery.

One of the keys to understanding the core of S/M relationships is to come to terms with each other's needs. In this regard humiliation is essential part of techniques to make bottom realize and top to fulfill their deepest urges.

What is humiliation about?

Humiliation and relationships

Humiliation is to the same degree a matter of one's individual taste and sub satisfaction in his own terms. As S/M is consensual thing, the question of dom's pleasure mainly depends on coherence with sub's needs.

Thus all the details like calling sub by names should be pre-communicated not only to create mutual understanding but also to give both parts gratification they need.

Both participants of S/M play can discover their hidden part about themselves and that is probably one of the greatest benefits of humiliation.

Though I admit that a person involved in the BDSM lifestyle can have casual sessions meeting an occasional partner, one cannot understand the taste of humiliation and most practices unless he is in a more or less committed relationship. Experiencing humiliation is as much or even more about caring each others needs as everything you do is for ultimate pleasure of both - you and your partner.

Humiliation and its emotional effect

Humiliation has mainly a psychological impact, as basically it gives a powerful emotional rebound.

Within the limits of BDSM relationships, word "humiliation" has not a hint of bad feeling as it may seem to vanilla partners. Partners, and particularly a bottom is "ill-treated" in order to get in touch with his inner desires and to find his own place.

Looking on the humiliation with the eyes of the participants you may learn that this form of submission is natural that contributes enormously to sexual and psychological arousal. There is no embarrassment, degradation or self-disrespect, on the contrary there is a lot of pleasure, knowledge and satisfaction.

Different forms of humiliation

You can begin with verbal humiliation. One of the most common elements of humiliating scene is to call your sub by various names like "slut", "whore", pet names(dog), objects (table, carpet etc). Next step can be to treat your sub according to his role. A dom may order to kneel in front of him, lick his feets, crawl, observe sub's peeing, ejaculate in his face, make sub eat dog's food and choose other forms of humiliation.

A usual practice that comes from purely psychological impact is to add physical element into play. Spanking, tying up, gagging are only ones of the common ways to do the job. As you may know, sex can be a part of the session but participants may well agree to do without it. So you may choose whether to include this part.

After scene reward is a small but really important part of humiliation scene. You may embrace your partner, kiss him and communicate about the scene-its' positive and negative sides.
You both return to your usual daily activities where both of you have other roles to play, psychologically relieved and pleased.

Entering the world of BDSM relationships is a step into another reality. Many people who just hear about this lifestyle are likely to have either negative attitude towards it or base it on the facts and images promoted in mass media. However, knowing exactly what you need from BDSM is a task that requires an insight into peculiarities of your own needs. It is very important to know what to expect from this type of relationships.



First thing that is continuously emphasized by SSC principles is that relationships are consensual. In other words, those who wish to take revenge or commit an act of violence- you are not welcome.



Second, BDSM relationships are not all about sex but rather about mental stimulation. It is the fact that sexual relationships are seen mostly acceptable insofar the d/s or b/d roles are distributed. BDSM lifestylers achieve sexual gratification in somewhat special way, when sex is not always a goal and satisfaction is likely to be a part of whole idea.



People involved in BDSM will not strike you with their unusual appearance or behavior. With the exception of a number of perverts, they lead a normal life like having a family and going to work daily. Just the same as it is uncommon to talk about your intimate life in public the urges of people who are into BDSM will not manifest itself openly.



You may choose where to stop and what kind of relationships you want to get involved. BDSM is not a restricted area where you should go the whole way to test your resistance. The kind of relationship you are ready to settle for may be limited by occasional scenes which are not related to power exchange or have some elements of BDSM play. This relationships are called bedroom ones and may become a good starter for those who are making first steps in BDSM.

Those who are more or less sure of their needs in BDSM may go a way too long to experience a power exchange in D/S relationships. The D/S relationship is far more about the scene and may be projected on daily activities. The roles are quite clearly defined as dominant and submissive and participants know the rules.



However there is a small part of real devotees who can go for a total power exchange(TPE). In such a relationship, the roles are even more strictly defined as one being a master and the submissive partner -a slave. The absolute control is given to a master who is simply as it is-the one who has an upper hand and commands the play according to his own principles. When you are about to commit to such kind of relationship you put a collar which means that you completely commit to these relationships. One should know that once entering TPE relationships it's hard to step back.



Knowing about the types of relationships that exist in BDSM is essential because it helps to find your true place in it and make a thoughtful choice. Potential partners should communicate and clear out all their needs to become aware of the existent boundaries of their journey into realms of BDSM.

I often asked myself what a man searches in female partner in BDSM relationships? There can be different reasons why we choose a partner to be a top or a bottom.



Particularly, it seems to me that there are a lot more men who need dominant women. Why? Many probably would deny and tell that they like to be a boss, but is it really so? The thing is through many centuries a social role prescribed a man to be powerful, responsible and assertive, which is actually quite difficult to keep up with. The everyday pressure at work or in family life supports the image of masculine man. Feminine men have more chances to be rejected than masculine women. That's the fact - social pressure is still more demanding towards men. So this situation urges a man to search for a balance and where can he find the outlet? Surely, in intimate life. As I always considered BDSM practice ( ) to be equally (or even more) a mental stimulation and sexual need, dominant woman is a source of giving up that burden a man is used to live with.



And what about a submissive woman? What kind of man would choose a submissive obedient woman? I think here the situation is quite the opposite. I suppose that a man who is used to feel more oppressed in his daily life, less assure of himself or probably finding it difficult to relate with a woman in a courtship manner. Or it may be otherwise a situation that a man is really strong and protecting who needs to have undeniable total power over a woman, but this is not really a frequent case.







On the other hand, women by nature are said to be submissive, which implies there should be more femsubs searching for male dom partner. This contradicts with the prevalence of male subs in BDSM community. So isn't it surprising many women end up in a femdom with femsub relationships

Whether you are a first timer or a know-how in BDSM activity ( ), one of the most important rituals for you will be negotiation. Negotiation plays a greater role as it eliminates any possible misunderstandings for the participants.



Before the scene



Many find it essential to arrange a pre-meeting negotiation. In a situation when partners know little or nothing about each other, negotiation is above all a good way to clarify all the peculiarities of the forthcoming session so that the expectations of both parties will mainly coincide. In fact, negotiation in BDSM resembles the usual way people get familiar with each other's interests and needs to know what are those chances to get on well with the exception that all these issues are clearly stated for the purpose of further consent.



One of the most important aspects of negotiation is honesty about what you expect from your partner and what you can give me. In this regard, communication about the most important details of the scene allows you to dispel misunderstandings about these issues. In case, your partner doesn't keep to the conditions set during negotiation –the game cannot be considered consensual which conflicts with the principles of BDSM.







Negotiation about the scene may further lead to communication about relationships development (like putting on a collar).



The usual way partners negotiate is by using a negotiation form, where all these details are structured in a list to make a well-thought decision.



During the scene



Communication that takes place when the scene starts is almost completely fulfilling the pre-discussed issues. As a rule, all the important matters had been already negotiated, which means you only do what was supposed to be from both parties. You communicate more with signs and phrases that have their own meaning behind the lines. This is mainly the scenario of the play, the use of safe words and etc.



After the scene



It is also quite essential to communicate after the end of the scene and not just abruptly close it. The usual follow up may include discussing such things as best moments of the scene, worse parts of the scene, and suggestions on the next scene. This helps to clarify all the issues and come to a better understanding in a relationships

To continue studying shibari as one of the most spectacular forms of bondage, I found that specifics of D/S relationships is quite interesting and needs particular attention.



Pleasure of "two" vs. pleasure of "one"



Speaking of the Japanese culture in general, an individual was always less important than a group. Likewise, if we refer it to D/S relationships partnership, the progress of a group (i.e. you and your partner) overweighs the significance of separate participants of bondage play, although we cannot exclude the pleasure as a vital stimulus of any BDSM ( ) activity. Here a top is aimed at perfecting his technique of tying the bottom and bottom develops his ability to resist the bonds in a more sophisticated way. This places focus on "bondage itself" rather than getting what's yours. Very Oriental...I should say.



Absolute trust



But nevertheless the level of trust and respect towards each other is so high that some even neglect safe words and SSL principle as being unessential. It is also mainly common not to prepare and pre-communicate on a future session, which could be quite scary in western practice. One can only imagine what power and countenance a dom should posses in order to be in total control of the scene and sub's safety and this basically comes from the awareness that dom partner's respectfulness is absolutely undoubted.



What a dom gives to sub during shibari session?



Dom teaches his sub to live or to be more precise to come alive in ropes through torture and pain. Suffering is the way when we become mentally naked, exposing our dark side and uncovering what is hidden under everyday mask we wear and "nice" roles we have to play. Ropes that dom gives to his sub are actually giving him freedom. Much alike when you experience tension – it sharpens your feelings and when the tension finds its release, the sense of "new breath" becomes very acute. Nothing can give more release than ropes, embracing and constraining your body which later finds its way out.



What a sub gives to dom during shibari session?



The main thing a sub gives to his master is his body and soul to get him to experience the real power, which requires not only an ability to command but also show undeniable firmness and vigilance as well as a great deal of respect and responsibility. An absolute control that a sub offers to a dom is aimed to create a unique bond and closeness. Don’t forget that beauty is especially important in Japanese bondage. A sub tied up in ropes is a source of aesthetic pleasure and mental stimulation which is not less substantial than erotic enhancement.